Surviving the Holidays Series #1 - Gift Giving
Andy and Megan Allard, circa late 1980s at the Colonsay SK hardware store.
December is upon us and the holiday season is in full swing. How the hell did that happen?
This is the first of a series. I’m not sure how many articles this will involve yet, there are lots of subjects to discuss.
Gift giving often creates the most pressure and anxiety around the holidays. The whole trying to discern what someone wants, the pressure to spend money you don't have, having to brave the lousy roads and the cold to go shopping in a crowded store, the cacophony of Christmas music to get everyone in the holiday spirit, then having to wrap everything can be stressful at best.
NB - I only know about celebrating Christmas but many of these issues can apply to any holiday celebration.
Gift Giving
How many times have we heard someone say “If they really loved me, they would already know what I want”?
(People, STOP doing that! It is unfair to set your loved one(s) up to fail. )
Some people want to be surprised and feel if they have to tell someone what they want, they won’t be surprised.
I Call BS
One thing I have learned in my 62 years - surprises are not always a good thing. I prefer to know about things in advance.
Bonus - when someone is struggling with life stresses, having something to look forward to can have a huge boost on their mood. For some it can be like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Nobody can read minds. Nobody is happy when they get/ give the wrong thing. Imagine how the giver feels when you open up your present and you show your visible disappointment. The rest of the day is ruined, the giver feels like shit. You feel angry because they didn't read your mind and did not pick up on your signals.
Holidays are supposed to be about spreading joy and goodwill
Holidays Are Not Supposed to be About making People feel like shit
For the recipient - let’s face it, not all of us enjoy shopping.
My 91 yo mom loves shopping. For me, it’s one of my least favourite things to do. I speak for many when I say that I just want to get in and out of the store. Even people who love shopping just might not have the time. Tell people exactly what you want. Offer different options with different price points.
For the giver - If you cannot afford the thing they want -
Ask for a suggestion in your price range. Gift giving should not deplete your bank account.
Make Gift Pacts
In our family, none of us have a lot of money. It got very stressful to buy for our growing family - our children gained partners and sometimes added children of their own. Every dollar we spent on the adults took away what we could spend on the children. The children often wanted to buy for all the adults and it was stressful for them too.
Having to shop for so many gifts, pay for them, and then wrap them all got overwhelming. The whole process sucked all the joy out of the holiday.
We made a pact years ago - here’s what we decided.
The adults would get no presents from the rest of the family outside of their own household. (Partners would give each other gifts but not parents, grandparents, adult siblings, etc.)
We only buy presents for the children in the family.
In this situation we consider someone up to 25 to be a child. Young adults struggle enough to pay their own bills and deal with adulthood; they can always use extra help.
Buying Presents For Children
If the children are not your own, it’s a good idea to coordinate with their parents. There have been times where children in our family have got multiples of presents. The kids were always very gracious but the moment was disappointing for the giver.
If the parents are struggling, I will often volunteer to get the kids the things they need so the parents can have the joy of buying the fun things.
If you are buying something with batteries, include the necessary batteries. Getting a cool new toy but no batteries to run it is very disappointing.
If you are as lousy at gift buying as I am, here is a suggestion. I will buy something small that they can open and attach a gift card. I usually choose something consumable as the small gift or something silly - maybe a funky pair of socks.
If you don’t have the perfect stocking or decorations, don’t sweat it. Kids don’t really care what their stocking looks like, they care about what is in it.
One year we were too poor to buy stockings, so we improvised using Carl’s work socks.
Andy and Megan Allard
circa late 1980s
Colonsay SK
Buying Presents for Older People
I cannot speak for all older people but for myself, I have mostly everything I want or need. I don’t need more stuff to sit on a shelf collecting dust. If someone was to buy a present for me I would rather it was something consumable or maybe an experience - tickets to an event I normally cannot afford.
(Family photos are always welcome of course - if they are in an album or a frame, so much the better. )
Buying Presents For Those in Need
Ask them what they want/need, don’t assume you know.
Here’s an example.
Early in my marriage we did not have much and what we did have was not always the best quality. Most of my cooking pots were lousy but I could deal with them with the exception of one. I made my own spaghetti sauce, simmering it for a minimum of 6 hours. I used it in all kinds of dishes - spaghetti, macaroni casserole, lasagna and chilies (I just added beans and chili powder). My lousy pot would always burn on the bottom and it got to the point where I did not want to make my sauce any more. (My kids would not eat sauce that came from a jar, they were kind of spoiled with mine.)
One year I asked a for a good quality pot for my spaghetti sauce. I told my husband Carl that I would rather have one good pot that a whole set of cheap ones. That year I saw a big box from my in-laws under the tree. My heart kind of sank when I realized that they had bought me an entire set - they did not have much money.
I nearly cried with joy when I saw that they had bought me an entire set of high quality pots.
Over 30 years later, that is the gift I remember most.
Communication is Key
The whole point of getting together to celebrate the holiday is to have fun and enjoy each other.
Communicate what you want to the person who needs to know. Set them up to succeed.
Communicate if you cannot afford to give gifts. Others might be in the same boat and will be quite relieved.
Communicate if you need a ride to get to a store. Maybe someone can organize their errands to accommodate your need.
Communicate if you have no wrapping paper or have issues with wrapping. Maybe someone else likes to wrap gifts.
Keep The Receipts
It might be the wrong size, it might be the wrong colour, it might be defective, it may not be suitable anymore.
