Surviving the Holidays #2 - Anxiety About Substance Use
For those of us who grew up in substance-using households, the holidays can often bring a high level of anxiety. Use of substances usually increases around the holidays. More gatherings, more holiday beverages, more late evenings…
A good Christmas in our house was one where no blood was spilled, police were not called and nothing got smashed.
I remember one particular Disastrous Christmas
Our holiday meal was scheduled for 2-3 pm. I used to like hosting meals at 5-6pm but realized that all too often people would get too drunk - some would indulge before they arrived which meant they were drinking on an empty stomach. I thought that hosting in mid-afternoon would sufficiently reduce the risk of someone being hammered by meal time.
That Worked
Until It Didn’t
Christmas morning started with a sense of doom looming on the horizon.
My husband Carl had stayed up all night drinking with one of my adult bonus children. The bonus child had gone to bed by the time I got up but Carl had not. (Not long after this event Carl quit drinking but that is a story for another day.)
I was tiptoeing around him as well as managing the four young children, the gift opening, the cleaning up, etc. I’d worked hard to prepare the big meal - huge bird, stuffing, dessert, all the fixings. (This was in the days before I started asking for help. Some traditions deserve to die, especially the one where guests do not lift a finger.) My bonus child woke up but they were still drunk. About 2 pm a guest showed up with an elderly relative who did not drive - the person who transported him was so drunk they could hardly walk.
I wAS PISSED! - NOT DRUNK - ANGRY!
That was the last straw
I grabbed the 4 kids, the elderly relative and headed to the Husky for our meal. As we headed out the door my bonus child asked what they should do with the turkey. Back then I rarely swore (shocking, right?). I said
I don't give a FUCK, let it burn!
The 6 of us had a good meal at the Husky - the food was not as good as I would have prepared but the company was much more enjoyable. I dropped off the elderly relative and then took the kids home. By that time Carl had finally gone to sleep/ passed out. I found out the person who drove the elderly relative had driven home. I called the police and reported them as a drunk driver but police did not find them before they got home.
After that I put the kibosh on any alcohol at family gatherings that I was a part of. I hosted gatherings earlier in the day so they still had time to go and get intoxicated; I did not have to be around them.
I learned to set boundaries
I use the term drunks but it can also include those who are high on drugs.
I was done with people who just use the holidays as an excuse to get drunk.
I was done with tiptoeing around drunks so as not to upset them.
I was done catering to those with hangovers.
I was done with weepy drunks.
I was done with mean drunks.
I was done
For a long time I did not allow any alcohol at family gatherings that I hosted. That restriction has since been lifted but my family knows that I will lower the boom again if they abuse that privilege.
If they want to enjoy my company, they better be relatively sober.
That means
No mean drunks
No weepy drunks,
No overly-sociable drunks monopolizing the evening
If they’re hungover and miserable, they can stay home; I’ll send a care package for them.
Alcohol Fuelled Disasters Can Happen In The Best of Homes
I grew up in an alcoholic home. This was not a home where an unshaven, unkempt, unemployed dad sat around in a chair swilling beer watching wrasslin’ while the children were neglected by a valium-taking, curler-wearing mom making TV dinners in squalor, this was a “respectable” household.
Mom had a good job, Dad had his own business selling heavy equipment. We lived on the waterfront in a desirable North Vancouver neighbourhood two doors away from a huge park. Our private float plane was tied up at our private dock, we flew up to our summer cabin on weekends bypassing the ferry system. We water skied in the summer behind our own speedboat, the other boat was for jigging cod. The last time that property sold, it went for $7.2 million (of course they replaced our modest 3BR /2BA rancher with a mansion).
Suggested Survival techniques
If hosting
Have the meal early.
Have appetizers available so nobody is drinking on a empty stomach.
Ban alcohol / drug use.
If Invited or Attending
NO is a complete sentence
Don’t give them an excuse for why you cannot come, that just gives them the opportunity to try to find reasons why you can.
If you must give an excuse -
Tell them your goldfish died.
Tell them your goldfish’s cousin died.
Tell them you have norovirus, that the projectile vomiting has not stopped all day.
Tell them you must guard against the polka dotted unicorns that are shitting over your house.
Have your own transportation so you can leave when you want
Arrange for someone to pick you up at a prearranged time.
Set up a code so that you can get them to come earlier.
If it is out of town, it might be a good idea to get a hotel room.
Have an excuse to leave when things go sideways
A fake sick friend
You forgot your medication
You forgot to turn off the stove
Volunteer to go for ice /mix and then just never return.
Your pet needs their insulin shot -they don’t need to know you have no pets.
Leave early
It helps to have an accomplice, someone to blame. I merely had to glance at Carl and he would make up an excuse for leaving on the spot - people rarely questioned him. I would return the favour when he wanted to leave. Either one of us always had the option to return to the gathering but we always had each others back if one of us wanted to leave.
Don’t Fall For the Whole “But it’s the Holidays”
I really hate the concept that you must be nice because it is the holiday season. If I disliked someone before the holiday, I am not going to like them because the date on calendar says I should. Screw that - life is too damn short to waste it in the company of those you despise. I might do it to humour an elderly relative but I keep it very short - I can always visit then at another time.
Figure out what your deal breaker is; you don’t have to tolerate bad behaviour or bad company just to keep the peace. You do not need to humour assholes, there are many good people out there who are worthy of your precious time.
