Surviving the Holidays #3 - Traditions That Deserve to Die

How many times do we hear the reason for doing something that makes no sense - 

“But it’s tradition!”

It’s time for some traditions to die

Photos credit Kelly Allard

Christmas Cards

This is a tradition I gave up long ago. Writing a newsletter updating your family on what happened over the past year is exhausting. The cards cost money, stamps cost money, there’s a deadline depending on where the cards are going and it was typically the female in the household writing to all of the husband’s relatives. I was raising 4 young children with a husband who worked out of town. Every year I tried and every year I failed to get the cards out on time.

I gave up - why make myself feel like crap when I was doing it all on my own. I had better things to do with my time such as Christmas baking.

Besides, with social media, who needs it?

The only reason I now keep Christmas Cards on hand is to put money in them for the grandkids.

(I’m incredibly bad at buying gifts and my energy is very limited.. The kidlets would rather I spent my valuable time baking Christmas goodies.)

Elf on the Shelf

One thing that has become a tradition is the whole Elf on the Shelf thing. I never liked it from the very beginning - Santa’s Snitch took up residence in your home, reporting back to Santa every night while causing chaos and havoc every night.

An attitude of “Do as I say, not as I do”.

I always felt it was teaching the children that as long as they make the rules, they can do whatever the hell they want. I also felt it normalized being spied upon.

Cooking the Traditional Meal

I love turkey - I love the stuffing, I love to smell it cooking all day, I love the leftovers.

I have a family member who hates turkey.  I do not force them to eat it. What we started doing was having another main dish. My famous macaroni casserole lovingly dubbed “Cat Food” is the other main dish.

When it’s been a busy and stressful season, sometimes it’s better to order in.

Remember - “What is on the table is not as important as who is around it.”

Gathering With Family

Another tradition is the whole “we must gather with family because it's Christmas!” or “I know they’re mean, it's only one day /a few hours”.

No

Just 

No 

Some family members are absolutely toxic.

If they cannot behave properly, they do not deserve an invitation.

If they are hosting, they do not deserve the pleasure of your company. 

All too often people expect the rest of their family to suck it up and to be nice to someone who is absolutely awful. They’re teaching everyone that old people get a free pass to be mean or rude just because they are old.

(It is my opinion that older people have had longer to become decent people. It doesn't matter what decade they grew up in, they grew up. The only ones who might get a pass are the ones who have dementia.)

Expecting the Grandchildren to be Brought to You on the Big Day

Some grandparents are divorced and cannot be in the same room together so the grandkids might end up going to 4 different households. This is stressful for the children in question and their parents. Grandparents should be able to behave with civility in the presence of their ex for the sake of their grandchildren. Christmas should be about bringing joy to the children, not forcing obligations on them.

Building Some New Traditions

The Stranger

Our household has a tradition of a gift for “The Stranger”. One Christmas we had an unexpected guest and it was embarrassing for me to watch them have nothing to open. I started buying something simple like a box of chocolates, wrapping it and putting it under the tree. If we did not have an unexpected guest, we could always eat the chocolates.

Limiting Gift Buying

Our family found it challenging, both monetarily and finding the time, to buy presents for everyone. Children were stressed buying gifts for everyone too, some even went and got jobs just to buy presents.

Our tradition was to only buy for children aged 25 and under with NO reciprocity expected. This made shopping much more fun and made the holiday season much less stressful.

I am of the age where I have everything I need and have no desire to add more stuff. 

I would rather have someone do some chores for me. 

If they really insist on buying me something, I would rather have something consumable (maybe special chocolates I would not buy for myself) or an experience - a ticket to an event.

The Day is Just a Day on the Calendar

Host the big meal on a different day than the one on the calendar. My late husband was a long haul truck driver, he was never home on significant days. Sometimes we held two celebrations - one on the actual day and the second when he got home.

Because our grown up children often had other (divorced) parents to visit, my husband and I would often have very few people available on Christmas Day. We started celebrating a few days or even a week before. It usually worked out very well. Nobody was rushed, the grandkids got to open presents early and we would relax on Christmas and eat leftovers.

(Pettiness Bonus - I felt some satisfaction knowing that by the time our kids had done the rounds of all the relatives that they would be experiencing turkey fatigue.)

A Toast to Those Who Are Gone

It is a way to include those we lost and wish were still with us. All too often people hesitate to mention loved ones that have passed and they spend the entire time brooding about it. When we acknowledge their absence, we are including them in our celebrations. Some people set a place for all of the Ancestors.