It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
By Kelly Allard
On this last day of Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month I want to remind everyone that Mental Health is important all year long. Further down in this article is information especially for men (Buddy Up), followed by information about 988 (the Suicide Crisis line) which is followed by information about Behavioural Health Consultants. The first part is about how It’s Okay to Not Be Okay.
This last week was lousy for me. These incidents were minor compared to what goes on in other people’s lives and will seem downright trivial to others. That’s not the point. The point is
It’s Okay to Not be Okay
Many people often feel guilty for feeling upset about things that might seem trivial to others. They’ll hold back their emotions and feel they should be grateful for what they have because so many others have it worse. (Somebody is always going to have it worse, that doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to be upset.) Usually when something trivial upsets us, it is because it is the last little thing in a whole bunch of little things. In my case I have other stresses which I’m not mentioning; I’m just mentioning the things that finally got to me.
My Lousy Week
I had a run-in with a feral cat which resulted in a deep bite and hold injury to my dominant hand necessitating a trip to see my family doctor, a DTaP shot and a prescription for antibiotics. I was having considerable pain as well as the loss of most of the use of my hand. I started missing my husband very badly and feeling sorry for myself. (When Carl was alive he’d always “kiss it better” and help me do the things I could not.)
Then the rain came.
The rain created puddles in a room in my 50 yo old trailer. I’d thought I’d had the leak fixed when I had my windows sealed recently. Obviously the leak was from elsewhere and now it was worse. It took out my landline; it also affected my internet and TV creating issues with my work. I had to constantly monitor the towels and blankets I’d placed out to sop up the water.
I was already feeling sorry for myself, now my anxiety was climbing every time it rained.
Yesterday the person I’d hoped would solve the leak problem told me that it might be outside their scope, I might have to call someone else in. At that point, I became paralyzed. I should’ve been working on an article, I should’ve been doing yard work or housework but I just couldn't. That made me feel even worse.
I had a bit of a meltdown and threw myself a pity party.
(It’s okay to cry and complain, even when you think your worries are trivial. Sometimes it’s the last tiny stupid little thing which sets you off which can make you feel worse because on a good day that tiny stupid little thing would not even faze you.)
Then, I got a message that I’d been invited to dinner with some friends. For some reason, that helped turn things around for me. I met up with everyone; we sat and enjoyed each other’s company for a couple of hours.
Today things are better even though nothing has changed
I still miss Carl
My hand still hurts
My trailer is still leaky
I still have no landline
The article remains unwritten, the yard work is still undone as is much of the housework.
Even so, I came back from supper last night feeling a lot better. My problems are not yet solved but I’m better able to cope with them today. Having a meltdown and a good cry was a stress reliever; going out with friends was a mood booster.
Men often don’t have that luxury. Men’s Mental Health comes with societal issues that women are not subjected to. Women are allowed to have a good cry, it’s even expected of them. Women are allowed to be emotional while men are expected to be strong and stoic. Women are expected to share their worries while men tend to keep their worries to themselves.
Here’s Buddy Up, a site with information especially for men.
Men’s Mental Health and the buddy up program
The following is taken from their website
In Canada, men have a suicide rate three times higher than women. Why? We have socialized men to be strong, stoic and self-reliant; showing emotion is a sign of weakness, as is asking for help. Further, men are underserved by our traditional health and social service sectors. Men are dying in alarming numbers, all around us, alone. How can we change this reality?
Buddy Up is a program designed to raise awareness of how men can help each other.
1 · PAY ATTENTION
Any noticeable change in his behaviour is a warning sign your friend might not be doing well. These changes include:
Not texting or calling as much
Drinking more than usual
Appearing tired and distant
Talking about how much life sucks
Being more irritable or angry
2 · START A CONVERSATION
Choose a comfortable setting.
Over the phone
While driving in the car
Over drinks at a favourite hang out
While working on a project
Mention what you’ve noticed.
“I haven’t heard from you much these days. Is everything okay?”
Don’t blame or shame him.
3 · KEEP IT GOING
Ask questions and listen to what he’s saying.
“The other day you said your life sucks… what’s that like for you?” Avoid instantly problem-solving.
Don’t make it seem like he’s overreacting, and don’t change the subject.
Back him up and acknowledge his feelings: “That sounds really hard.”
If you’re still worried about him, ask: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If he says yes, don’t panic.
Let him know you’re there for him: “Thanks for telling me. That’s really hard to do. Can you tell me more about it? I’m here for you.”
4 · STICK TO YOUR ROLE
You’re a friend, not a counsellor.
Who else has he told? Encourage him to reach out to others.
Call or text the Suicide Crisis Helpline together at 9-8-8.
Following the conversation, check in with him often.
If you feel there is nobody you can talk to
if you are worried about someone else
you can call or text 988
The following is taken from the 988 website
You deserve help
We are here for you, 24/7/365.
Call 9-8-8
Text 9-8-8
If you have tried to seriously hurt yourself or end your life within the last few hours, please call 9-1-1 right away or go to your nearest emergency department.
Whatever you’re going through, you are not alone. 9-8-8 responders are here to help you find a way through, no matter what it is you are dealing with.
No problem is too difficult – whatever you choose to share with us, we won’t judge you.
Ways to feel safer in the moment
Recognize your thoughts of suicide or of hopelessness
Naming your thoughts can help you realize you need support, and make a plan to keep yourself safe. Learn more about signs you may be struggling.
Remember what has worked in the past.
This can vary from person-to-person but is usually a task that provides some temporary distraction from your thoughts or feelings. Is there a way of coping that has worked in the past? Try that now.
Some examples include: going for a walk, listening to music, going online, taking a shower, playing with a pet, gentle movement, engaging in a hobby, reading, or doing chores.
Reach out to someone in your life for support
This should be someone that you think will listen and be helpful. Get advice for how to tell someone how you are feeling.
Reach out to a professional for support, including us
9-8-8 responders can help you talk through a plan that will help you feel safe. Call 9-8-8 any time.
Make your environment safer
If it is safe to do so, get rid of anything in your environment that could be used to harm yourself. You can also ask someone you trust to do this for you.
Make a safety plan
A safety plan is a document you can use to remind yourself of ways to cope and people you can reach out to to decrease your risk of suicide. If you have made a safety plan, please follow it. If you do not have a safety plan, you can contact us for support . You can also find an example of a safety plan here:
Another local resource is
Behavioural Health Consultants
This service is free under Alberta Health Services, unlimited visits as often as you need them. They can do in-person or phone appointments and they can also do emergency appointments. BHCs aren’t psychologists or psychiatrists, they help you deal with life stresses. They don’t prescribe but work with your doctor who can. You only need a referral from a medical professional.
If you don’t have a family doctor call Healthlink at 811, they can help you.
Behavioural Health Consultant List Palliser PCN
The Trash Panda encourages everybody to Buddy Up!
it’s okay to ask for help
and remember
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
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